THIRTY.ONE

I woke up this morning thanking God for thirty-one years on his earth. Last year, turning thirty felt like a big milestone. I imagined a shift from childhood into adulthood, and convinced myself I should be at a certain place in this path of life. A race against time gave me overwhelming anxiety about how I’m going to get everything accomplished. In reality, I was only concerned about how others would view me from their perspective. God has taught me so many lessons since then.

I lost my dad a few months ago, and have done some unwelcome soul searching as a result. All of the events I thought would take place last year are yet to happen. We are still in a state of transition and uncertainty regarding our future. The stress I’ve experienced inside my body has taken effect on the outside. I’m trying to heal myself with healthy food, herbs, exercise, sleep and meditation. All of those things feel unattainable given the constant pull I face between nurturing my family and clocking in and out at my job. God has revealed to me that I have to stop trying to accomplish everything myself. This is nothing new, but I can no longer ignore his voice.

If I will overcome pride, overcome societal expectations, overcome my own fears and just give it all to him, he will handle it. The timeline that I’ve somehow created for myself is completely false. It’s a projection of my own desires and does not agree with God’s sovereign plan. Instead of trying to force things, I simply have to let go. And let God. I may not have my own business running profitably, I may not have the house full of children that I dream of, the man I love may never ask me to marry him, and I may not possess the material items that we’re taught women of a certain age should have. The truth is, I feel like a failure at times, but I know my life is in God’s hands.

I don’t have to think hard to list many, MANY blessings I am completely grateful for. We are all undeserving, because we are all sinners. God just wants our hearts. We have to trust that he can and he will provide. He wants to bless us immensely more than we can even imagine. But we’ve got to surrender. We’ve got to let go of what we think it should be and just be thankful that we ARE. We are not here to live lavishly and comfortably every day. The struggles build character. The patience we gain in waiting refreshes our soul. The failure fuels our commitment to persevere. To try harder. The let downs and disappointments are God saying “I have something better in store for you my child.” At the end of the day, I woke up with breath in my lungs, beautiful children that love me, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. Everything else is extra.

I pray that the Lord continues to guide me and encourage my growth. I am slowly gaining the wisdom and maturity I’ve always almost had. It doesn’t come easy, but nothing worth having ever does. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I can press on in the rainy season, the sun will shine on me again. I can’t do anything but serve God with my whole heart and soul. No matter the circumstances, he is good, and he is watching over me. He has a purpose for my life and will bring it to pass if I can trust in him to lead me. Lord, please forgive my unbelief. Forgive my pride, my attempts to make things happen on my own time, and my uncertainty about the promises you’ve set in stone. I give you my life, for there is no one more deserving. Please guide me along this journey, and help me to enjoy the growing process you desire for your children.